OH, hey LA

so yeah i'm goin home this weekend...
i had to escaaaaape.
rollin with Julieanne and my other homie Chevy (who i just found out lives down the hill from me.)

wtf do i wanna do this weekend? shit, too much. i keep forgetting its Halloween Weekend... im kinda sad i dont have a costume this year... :( i remember i was soooo juiced this time last year to be hittin up that Sigma party... haha at least i saw my elementary school LOVE there... so, despite the overall wackness of the party.... it was cool lol

but this year... mm ionno... i kinda wanna get hella faded n spoon under some blankets watchin scary movies in my treehouse...

ionno if that shit will happen under these circumstances that i'm rollin to LA in.... but if it does, that'd be nice.

my mom's gonna be outta town. my sister's gonna be having a mini get-together, imma be playing host to my homie(s).... let's see how this shit goes :)

OH YEAH.... haha i got a $1,000 check waitin on me when i get home.
random ass time for a scholarship check to be comin in... but it goes straight to my checking so who cares.
yeah.... this shit's bout to be rrreal cool.

Oh Yeahhhhh

i forgot about this picture. haha i'm historian for my school's BSU (photographer, basically) so i'm never in any of our pictures when we do events.

:c

but it's okay. here i am at Mission Namibia... a fundraising event for Africans

face is blurry, but the body is quite clear.

Alrighty

so i've wanted to write some shit for a minute...

but i guess i just don't know where to start or how to say the things that run thru my mind everyday

i think i want to move to Senegal.
mmm....

i'm starting to get tired of this hopeless feeling i get when i observe my surroundings.... the actions n mindsets of people who i associate with, the lack of originality most people exude while trying to seem unique... the thoughts that people don't express because they feel they aren't important enough.... i don't know.... something about our (american?) (capitalist?) mindset... always takes the air out my gut when i really get to thinking...

maybe i should become a nomad.
live by myself on a hill or in the nook of an isolated valley or some shit... because in NO way do i feel i'm better than ANYONE else.... but my thoughts are just different. the way i act is different than anyone else i know... and maybe it's the way i was brought up, but i know the value of communal advancement as well as individual growth. and to me, you can't have one without the other....

but it seems people are choosing to NOT grow, while i'm trying my BEST to.

maybe i should just worry about myself. n say fuck everyone else.......
but where does that leave me? what will my progression mean if those around me aren't ready to move forward with me?

guess i should start searching for that isolated hill...

but what i want is for people to stop bullshitting.... to stop thinking that they can just keep up with old habits expecting to move forward... i want people to stop taking others' ideas, thinking because they reached an 'ah, HA' moment by someone else's words that they too have considered all the options that lead to those wise notions.... i want people to realize that every SINGLE day is an opportunity to make a change. not even in the WORLD, but within yourself.... don't let someone else's bullshit continue to keep you from progressing. and on the other hand, if you're adding bullshit to someone else's life.... then wtf.. stop.

that may be a valid distinction between myself and others... i understand everyone has a different prerogative... and if some people DO share the same end goal, they're still going to take different means and routes to the finish line. i guess those means and routes are what we witness everyday when we kick it with different people... i try to kick it with like-minded people... but to be honest, it's getting hard. and it's getting harder and harder to act like i'm okay being a part of certin ppls lives...........

i want people to be honest about their motives.... with themselves and with other people....

that shit is REALLY, REALLY. not that hard. in fact, once you know what you want... and what you really think about certain shit.... honest opinions kinda become your everyday script.

and on the other hand... when you think you feel a certain way about something without having thoroughly thought it through.... when it comes time to take action, what the fuck is gonna be your first move? or are u gonna wait on the leadership of others to help you out....?

don't think you're contemplative just because you think deeply about the subjects OTHER people have brought to your attention thru their observations...

ionno man... shit is sticky.

and i'm doing my best to act "normal"... but i know some people can see it's not working...

this is how i would like shit to be....

-i will be me...
-you will be you...
-we can have the same strong opinions...
-we can work toward overall progress.... not only for ourselves, but shit... for our kids, for people who don't have a voice because they aren't allowed one...
-we can be best friends
-i can be your girlfriend
-i can be your number one enemy
-your classmate
-whatever.
-we can fight
-we can love the shit out of each other
-but we both need to understand that
-i will be me
and...
-you will be you.

i will NEVER try to emulate your actions or switch my opinions up if we don't agree, cuz that's not me... it's you. duh. seems simple.... but i know a lotttttt of people who don't get it.

and til those around me DO, or take actions to show they do... i'm thinking of ways to isolate myself from their confusion/ inconsistencies...

i'm imperfect. but at least i know when my imperfections are being detrimental to someone else... and i know that MY imperfections are mine. aaand whether i want them to or not, they shape some of my decisions and actions too. mistakes happen, everyone makes them.

but at least i can say my mistakes are complementary to my mindset at the time i made em. and they all serve to be learning and growing experiences. i suppose that relates back to individual growth which in return will serve to aid the advancement of those who i give back to.... which is communal advancment....

i digress.

my point is... shit around me seems to be all fucked up. people, their actions, their thoughts, their goals, shit... or maybe it's just me. i just want people to embrace their good and dispose of their bad as best they can...

"listen baby i'm reminiscing...
staring at my phone as you call, i had to miss it.
and now i'm in my hotel room jus gettin twisted...
wonderin between you and him, what's the difference?"

damnn that's a tough ass situation.

mmmmmmmm

i don't like generalizations or unsupported arguments.

that's it i suppose...

no real point there... but.... just know that when i talk to you, i wanna be talking to YOU, not opinions you picked up from some other source... and imma do the same : }

and we can be friends foreverrrrrrr. even if though we're different.

IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY ANNOYANCE.

if there's nothing wrong with your brain... you should be able to come up with your own ideas... cuz when leaders aren't around...... who the fuck ARE you?

This One's About Me...

What Is It About Men - Amy Winehouse

Understand once he was a family man
so surely I would never, ever go through it first hand
Emulate all the shit my mother hated
I can't help but demonstrate my Freudian fate
My alibi for taking your guy
history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal aggression is my downfall
I don't care 'bout what you got I want it all

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

I'm nurturing, I just wanna do my thing
and I'll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
and I'll save my tears for uncovering my fears
for behavioral patterns that stick over the years

Cuz it's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
Now, my destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

mmmmmmmm... two things you should know about me before continuing to read. i am a VERY understanding person. i usually don't care what other people say about me. i look at how well you know me, and consider your statement, compliment, insult, whatever... and that's the end. of course, if someone says something to me, i'll respond... if i'm complimented, i give an appropriate response... but with insults, lies said about me, things said with the intent to anger or upset me... mm, the way i live kinda provides me with a systematic procedure. i guess it's kinda simple. the people i care about and keep near and close to me, don't insult or disrespect me. i don't allow negative people to be in my life. if you're bringing me down, why would i bring you around more positivity? that's stupid.. if i know some negative shit is gonna come out of your presence... why have you tag along? anyways... when i'm insulted or disrespected... it's usually by people who don't know me very well. if someone doesn't know me well, and says some dumb shit about me, why would i get upset? they don't know me. maybe we've talked a couple times. but ultimately... you don't understand me. so again, why would i let your words or actions trigger any outward actions that alter the way i was originally going about my day? mmmm i don't.

this isn't to say i don't get angry. i get annoyed verrry easily, i get irritated by something or someone every other day, and enough disrespect from any source can and has made me erupt without thinking about later repercussions. little shit tho... get that outta here... lol i have bigger things on my mind.

my life is made up of the lives of the people i love and care about.

when i care about you... damnnn, i care about you. haha man, same goes if i love you. i appreciate the people in my life and i know i am soooo blessed to have them there. i believe everyone in my life was sent personally from God himself... like He blessed me with the ability to weed out confused ass people who can't even add to their OWN lives.

i think my understanding allows me to be independent. i think both qualities come from my Senegalese side. my dad is an independent, self-sufficient ass man. he got his ass out of West Africa, went to Bordeaux, France to pursue his doctorate at the University of Bordeaux, and today is an old ass man with his own practices, own employees, a pretty ass house, and a pretty ass yacht, who could probably still, at his old age... beat your father up.

lol i see a lot of myself in my dad. he's optimistic, seemingly simple, organized, self-driven, understanding, and an observer. we both love very hard... my dad had been cheating on my mom with the same woman since before i was born. my mom found out when i was in 3rd grade. it's very, very fucked up. but when i say it's fucked up, it's because there were kids involved. myself (the youngest) and my older brothers and sister. but because it's my father and because i didn't want to hate my father, i never held it against him, and never treated him differently because i never thought about his role in the whole situation. not necessarily his role, but his mindset. (until recently... but speaking on that would be a tangent on this already-informative shit.) While i chose to not think about my parent's situation until more recently, i also didn't allow my parents' dealings to have an affect on the way i act, or control the way i think about things, people, or situations. They are my parents, but they are also two people, who came from two different walks of life, whose decisions now happen to affect the lives of 5 kids. love is sooo strong.

it's so unexplainable... but like i can't explain the love i have for my parents, i can't explain the love i have for one of my best friends, who i had the pleasure of falling in love with about 2 years ago. it's just amazing to me how close we are today. we have gone through it... after things got too complicated, i tried to just write him off as someone who i don't need in my life... but his absence was sooo apparent everyday. we stayed cool off each other for a minute... and in that time we both did different things, met new people, went back to our old habits... but the bond we have always brings us back together... unable to be mad or bitter at things that have transpired in each others' absence. lol i think i met someone who's just as understanding as i am.

most of the time, i have many things on my mind. i don't waste my time thinking about why things don't fit into a certain cookie cutter shape or image.. i appreciate what i have too much to worry about dumb shit like that. when you realize that you get along best with people who act like you... when you look at your friends, you should be able to see a bit of yourself in each one of them... in my opinion, if you don't like your friends, and u still keep them around, you don't know who you are yet.

30 Minutes Later...

i love someone who loves me back.