This One's About Me...

What Is It About Men - Amy Winehouse

Understand once he was a family man
so surely I would never, ever go through it first hand
Emulate all the shit my mother hated
I can't help but demonstrate my Freudian fate
My alibi for taking your guy
history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal aggression is my downfall
I don't care 'bout what you got I want it all

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

I'm nurturing, I just wanna do my thing
and I'll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
and I'll save my tears for uncovering my fears
for behavioral patterns that stick over the years

Cuz it's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
Now, my destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

mmmmmmmm... two things you should know about me before continuing to read. i am a VERY understanding person. i usually don't care what other people say about me. i look at how well you know me, and consider your statement, compliment, insult, whatever... and that's the end. of course, if someone says something to me, i'll respond... if i'm complimented, i give an appropriate response... but with insults, lies said about me, things said with the intent to anger or upset me... mm, the way i live kinda provides me with a systematic procedure. i guess it's kinda simple. the people i care about and keep near and close to me, don't insult or disrespect me. i don't allow negative people to be in my life. if you're bringing me down, why would i bring you around more positivity? that's stupid.. if i know some negative shit is gonna come out of your presence... why have you tag along? anyways... when i'm insulted or disrespected... it's usually by people who don't know me very well. if someone doesn't know me well, and says some dumb shit about me, why would i get upset? they don't know me. maybe we've talked a couple times. but ultimately... you don't understand me. so again, why would i let your words or actions trigger any outward actions that alter the way i was originally going about my day? mmmm i don't.

this isn't to say i don't get angry. i get annoyed verrry easily, i get irritated by something or someone every other day, and enough disrespect from any source can and has made me erupt without thinking about later repercussions. little shit tho... get that outta here... lol i have bigger things on my mind.

my life is made up of the lives of the people i love and care about.

when i care about you... damnnn, i care about you. haha man, same goes if i love you. i appreciate the people in my life and i know i am soooo blessed to have them there. i believe everyone in my life was sent personally from God himself... like He blessed me with the ability to weed out confused ass people who can't even add to their OWN lives.

i think my understanding allows me to be independent. i think both qualities come from my Senegalese side. my dad is an independent, self-sufficient ass man. he got his ass out of West Africa, went to Bordeaux, France to pursue his doctorate at the University of Bordeaux, and today is an old ass man with his own practices, own employees, a pretty ass house, and a pretty ass yacht, who could probably still, at his old age... beat your father up.

lol i see a lot of myself in my dad. he's optimistic, seemingly simple, organized, self-driven, understanding, and an observer. we both love very hard... my dad had been cheating on my mom with the same woman since before i was born. my mom found out when i was in 3rd grade. it's very, very fucked up. but when i say it's fucked up, it's because there were kids involved. myself (the youngest) and my older brothers and sister. but because it's my father and because i didn't want to hate my father, i never held it against him, and never treated him differently because i never thought about his role in the whole situation. not necessarily his role, but his mindset. (until recently... but speaking on that would be a tangent on this already-informative shit.) While i chose to not think about my parent's situation until more recently, i also didn't allow my parents' dealings to have an affect on the way i act, or control the way i think about things, people, or situations. They are my parents, but they are also two people, who came from two different walks of life, whose decisions now happen to affect the lives of 5 kids. love is sooo strong.

it's so unexplainable... but like i can't explain the love i have for my parents, i can't explain the love i have for one of my best friends, who i had the pleasure of falling in love with about 2 years ago. it's just amazing to me how close we are today. we have gone through it... after things got too complicated, i tried to just write him off as someone who i don't need in my life... but his absence was sooo apparent everyday. we stayed cool off each other for a minute... and in that time we both did different things, met new people, went back to our old habits... but the bond we have always brings us back together... unable to be mad or bitter at things that have transpired in each others' absence. lol i think i met someone who's just as understanding as i am.

most of the time, i have many things on my mind. i don't waste my time thinking about why things don't fit into a certain cookie cutter shape or image.. i appreciate what i have too much to worry about dumb shit like that. when you realize that you get along best with people who act like you... when you look at your friends, you should be able to see a bit of yourself in each one of them... in my opinion, if you don't like your friends, and u still keep them around, you don't know who you are yet.