sooo i'm faded..

and i have these tight ass Bose headphones... these...:

(to make the story more engaging)

and Kanye West's Coldest Winter comes on....

talkin about 'memories made in the coldest winter'... all dramatic and shit.... making me feel the mess outta this song. like damn, i see you Kanye (like he was my nigga or somethin)

anyways, thanks to my headphones and kanye, it made my mind drift off... n i was like whyyyyy do i feel this song so hard....?

because i had a cold ass winter last year, duhh... aaand not just in the literal sense.... double duhhhh. plus kanye pretty much took the words outta my mouth as far as how i was feelin back then...

but that was back then.

however... i still think about it.

i wish i could erase some memories.

i'm like: why can't i control what i wanna remember....?

if it's my mind, my brain... why can't i manually forget shit that i wanna forget?

my friends know i have a TERRIBLE memory. the on-going joke is that it's cuz of my "recreational smoking" lol and i agree with that shit too, but it bothers me.

because i can't remember the smallest shit... or something that happened 3 seconds prior to someone askin me....

the thing is, i seem to have a PERFECT memory when it comes to how fast my mind can flash back to unhappier moments...

it sucks sometimes too, cuz i'll be straight, doin normal shit and something will make me flash back, and it's like i'm able to feel exactly how i was feeling at that exact moment in my memory. it sucks when i flash back to reality. feeling nauseously sad, wanting to be somewhere else....

damn memories.

anyways....

this wasn't meant as an 'ohhh i'm sad' kinda post lol even tho it seems to be the trend here at LifeofElize

ionno... i posted this cuz i wanted to share... as is the reason behind all the other posts on this little blog thing i got going... damn, i was a senior in HS when i started this... 2 years ago

before i close this post tho, lemme clarify....:

jus because i wanna erase certain memories doesn't mean i would go back and change shit if i could.

because i believe i am where i am supposed to be... and i believe that shit happens because it should.

it would just be nice to rid myself of some memories, that's all.

Imma Just Be Honest....

it seems like 2009 was tryna teach me a lesson all year... like i was its special project... and at the end of the year, 2009 delivered that message up real crucially...

lemme try and put it clearly...

to everyone: please understand that you'll never ever ever ever be as important to me as i am to myself...... and i say that in the most respectful way imaginable tho...
(actually nah, i kinda meant to hurt a couple feelings with that one)

but seriously, if i learned one thing this year... it's that, shit... some things and people need to be let go in order to move forward and remain sane.

even tho i didn't expect it to happen, a couple of my best friends turned into strangers on me this year...

and whether or not i tried to salvage what remained of these friendships, some way or another i kept coming to the saaame conclusion. i'm definitely not gonna waste time and emotion on someone who doesn't want me around.... on someone who really doesn't give a fuck about what i have to offer.... whether it be weed or words.... lol jp abt the weed. but then again not really.

plainly put: if you don't want me in your life, i don't have to be there.

as far as my stranger best friends go.... i'd much rather be IN than out of their lives... but... i also understand that most times, growth comes with drastic change. so how long can i really allow myself to be upset upon finding out that i'm not a part of your progress...?

i can't be mad at all. cuz the last thing i'd want is someone tryna force their way into my life when i'm tryna focus on bettering myself.

soooo.... to 2009 and to old homies... bye. and thanks for the fun this year, i really enjoyed it

why do i even have this blog anymore ugh...

what'd i get on here to say....

i'm alive.
i'm 19.
i'm blessed.

i'm tryna focus on overall progression.
fuck digression.

i'm gettin grown.

sometimes i still wanna be a nomad tho.

i'm starting to wonder if everyone around me is changing or if it's me... but it has to be one of those...

i think i'm trying to find the key to happiness at this point tho...

but i'm still stuck lookin at the lock. heavy duty ass lock too...

but it's not all bad.. not half bad either....

cuz i got someone that reminds me how good shit is and can still get. i'm positive i never wanna lose that