Hi There :-]

So I've had a lottttt of time to think about things since I left to ucsd a few weeks ago && I know I have a much better understanding of who I am now as opposed to when I left. I'm not saying I changed, I just know why I do things now.

I realized that holding animosity toward someone who clearly states they don't care about u is as pointless as pointless gets. 

I still find myself trying to determine how to go about my day... Deciding if I have the ability to talk to him without allowing my emotions to speak for me. && then when I think, it always comes back to the facts of the situation... && how despite my warnings, someone who claimed to share a mutual love with me, disrespected me, fully knowing where that'd put us when I returned to LA... despite him expressing regret for what he did with her that night, I know at this point I can't even try to look past his actions... So I stopped trying.

Buuuuuut I can understand some things. I know firsthand what its like to have two people be in love with me at the same time, but I don't know what its like to be in love with two people simultaneously. I realize now that its in my nature to have a clear mind && to be able to decipher situations based on logic. But when it came to this situation, with this specific person, I seemed to get lost in myself && lost in my emotions

I can say that I'm able to forgive him, because I do... && I can honestly say I don't resent or dislike her because I'm not sure if I'd act any differently in her situation. we have both been completely disrespected in basically the exact same way, except she played the role I played when I first started to hang out with him. Someone who intruded on something special. I think I may have gotten what I deserve, which is another reason I feel I wanna just move on with this whole dilemma. 

I passed western && 108th yesterday && on impulse almost made that left turn. I felt really angry because I knew that if he hadn't have done what he did, I coulda been making that turn happily like I'd always done. But the decision was made for me that night so I just kept driving til I got to my original destination.

I'm not mad anymore because I know that anger stems from pain and hurt. I can't say that I'm sad anymore, but I'm in more of a reflective state. 19 more days in LA. Everyone's telling me to stay me && not let anything or anyone lower the standards I've set for myself && I'm pretty sure I won't. What helps is knowing that he said he never cared about me. Either that's the truth, or the biggest lie he's ever told. Either way I can't change the things that've been done && I won't try to push anything that's not there. All I can really do is accept what's been done && not put myself in anymore situations that have good chances of negative outcomes. 

I'm still in love with him, even though he said && proved he never cared about me.

But I also owe it to myself to hurry up && let this ride out, which I will. So even tho I'm sure this doesn't mean we'll start talking again or start sorting things out, or even be able to tell if things are worth it, I'm back home && I'm still adjusting to life without someone there to share my thoughts, likes, dislikes, and laughs with everyday, and at the same time I'm keeping the relationships I have with my other loved ones as close as I can :)
i chose to make this public again... just to show that i'm open for change && growth i guess, no real reason... i already know who my readers are

Daaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...

new blogspot. iont like the fact that two of the biggest bitches that i've had the pleasure of interacting with are daily readers. so it's abandoned.

:)

but seriously, why would u continue to stay with someone who has disrespected u the way he has? i know u question my self respect because of my sexual habits, but i question yours because you don't seem to value yourself completely. i've witnessed him disrespect u several times, purposely. i've been around when he's gone on long rants about how much he disliked you in the middle and end of your relationship.... in long.... explicit detail. and while all that was occurring, he was keeping company that was disrespecting you equally, if not more than he was (me). and you had sex with him 2 nights ago, knowing all of these things. i respect myself more than you respect your being, and i'm actually looking at the situation in an unbiased manner. but you do you. you seem to be degrading yourself &&  i don't know how you can possibly be happy in this situation. honestly, i suggest you move on.

Ugh

she slept in my vaginal fluids && his crusty skeet. hope she didn't catch anything, cuz "Venereal Diseases Are Meant To Be Spread." && boyyyy she didn't realize how at risk she was.

lost a good friend today. but had i known it'd turn out like this, i honestly woulda never spoken to him in the first place.

guess i gotta go on && focus on the studies. no time for bitches, liars, assholes, rudeness or the one person who possesses all those qualities. read this, leave me alone for good && i'll surely do the same.

i went to the aquarium today!

:-D

i was soooo overly happy. damn i guess i really am a nerd cuz i was havin waaaay too much fun out there. i took too many pictures && videos... here they go :) psh. i'll be back there. pushin them lil white kids out the way... i pet a sea star (i learned they're not supposed to be called 'starfish' anymore cuz... they're not fish) && this big ass eel tried to attack me thru the glass. ahh loserish blogs... gotta love em 

those are sea dragons btw... yea i'd never heard of em either...

happy sting ray... :)

Sooo..

dayummmm i'm done with complaining. lol i hated complainers at one point && then i turned into one. how wackkk. so to avoid anymore negativity. i'm not gonna try to control any situations. just kinda like... idgaf :)

Back On That Train...

... Never To Be Heard From Again...

back on the plantation. *sigh* i got wayyyyy too much work to catch up on. uhm. almost got into like 2 car accidents on my way back to LA... i miss driving... lol but i guess i suck at it.... kept gettin lost on the freeways with my sister && sheeit.

currently broke. cuz the bank took like $300 in overdraft fees from me. muther effin jerks. i missed LA but then i realized i've kinda grown to really like it here (not love yet... maybe if the food was better). i could honestly answer enthusiastically when everyone kept askin if i liked it down here... :) what a trooper i am. 

this week should be funnn cuz my buddy marcus got suspended from his job for a week (who knows how) && is plannin on kiggin it in la jolla with me to make this week a little less wack for both of us. so. this week... next week... && then back to LA... ahhhhh && then 3 weeks after that i'm back here, enjoying my super chill class schedule. 

man... noticed that it's kinda true when they say energy is transferred as opposed to created or destroyed... ionno whose law that is... newton or someone? anyways. as bad as it sounds, when i'm in a bad mood, i can't get happy until i see someone else has absorbed my negativity... then it seems i perk up. maybe that's why i intentionally hurt people when i'm down. they get mad, i get happy... aaaaand then the cycle continues. iont necessarily like being the reason for someone being down... but when i see someone who's worse than i am && i'm the reason for it, it makes my bad mood go away. ionno. i gotta sort through it some more cuz i'm proly comin off as an asshole right now... i'll be back, buddies... readers... fans... (&& you... secret blog reader) :)

You Blog Daily Too?! Crazy... :-]

i take back eeeeeverything i said about that moderately obese lady... cuz she's lettin me leave :) so that makes her tight.

i got my classes for the fall && they're suuuper chill. like, mondays && fridays i only got class from 10 to 1.. && 10 is the earliest that i hafta start class on any day. aaaaaaaand it's math which is perfect cuz i love math... cuz i'm african. :)

that means more time to chill out, more time to study && wayyy more time to party && recover the next day, so i'm happy

when i think about it tho, goin back to LA is gonna be like a tease... cuz i'm not gonna have any time to see my friends && its gonna be queso && niggalips' last day before school && i won't be able to even go to their last function. oh well... i guess i'll hafta wait til thanksgiving break... 

:-D 

mannnnnnn im so excited for that. me && the buddies are already plannin a super session. nigga gal u better be licensed by then. or else.... dun Dun DUNNNNN

second funniest quote this summer... "her ass proly got snacks && biscuits in her purse... that's why" lmfaooo ahh shit. laughin cuz i know it's true...

lmfaaooo michael alternates expressions in every picture. i luvme some gaysians. (yes homo)

Sex With My Ex-- Lil' Bit (Young Joc, Jim Jones)

i'm f.uckin stressed. && like, in jeopardy of gettin kicked outta this summer shit.

i've gotten 2 suite confinements (its basically like when ur parents used to say 'go to ur room'... but for like an entire day && night.) uhmm i've been late && i've already missed two mandatory meetings... && it hasn't even been 2 weeks. sheeeesh. this week went by kinda quickly tho. well, super quickly. it's already thursday && i got a buuuuunch of shit due tomorrow. so. i'm stressed as hellllll. but then i remember, this is only an extra program so i can get 8 credits before school really starts... but it still ties in with the fact that i hate failing so that's proly why i'm stressin bad. (but still find time to blog... whatta addict)

if the big lady lets me leave saturday, i should be back in LA by noon && i won't hafta take the train! :) yeeeeeeeee! but if she decides i don't deserve it cuz of all this 'trouble'(?) i've been gettin into thennnn i'm stuck here.

i've slimmed down a lot since i got here... :-\ it's whatever tho cuz i wasn't tryin to... kinda liked the figure i had before comin down here... but i still got the donk. ha that's never leavin ;-]

i just found out today that mexico is like 20 friggin minutes away from this campus. sheeeesh i can see all the sluts && hoe bags now... spring break is gonna be ridiculous.  we might hafta host a cheatnj reunion down there && **l'emm know** how it's sposed to go down. 

oh geez this is turning into a rant...

man lookin around in the library (all i see is asians), no one's procrastinating... so i think imma just close this right quick.... && maybe add some sheeit later. oh! && that's my snack/caffeine supply :-D && yes.... that's a plate full of cookies && brownies :)

AHHHH i wanna see my babies go off to college, but i caaaaan't :(

so i gotta say my damn goodbyes over the phone... which sucks asss....

i'm in a group study session aaaand my belly hurts cuz i think i read something i shouldn't have.

my PUNK ASS suitemates told my lesbian roommate that my favorite song is 'i kissed a girl' soooo she's kinda on me now. lol what jerks... i better watch my nuh-nay-nay tonight... but i got them mother effers.

uhm. so the fat lady who's in charge of lettin me leave is havin wayyyy too much fun treatin me like a slave && is thinkin about makin me stay here saturday && sunday (instead of comin back to LA). grrr. hey i realized i have some personal vendetta against fat women. i have nooo idea why. but they annoy me for some reason. attanigga understands me... they're sposed to be jolly... && some are just really bitter. i mean daaaaiiiing put a smile on, like mcdonald's suggests... 

sooo i'm havin a bunch of fun here && im suuuuper broke now... i proly owe like $300 in overdraft fees on my account. i need me a job.... or a sugadaddy... && i prefer the latter. i'm uber excited to come home tho, cuz i got some plans with this one niggerboy that'll make up for the past couple weeks. lovin lovin lovin lovin lovin lovin lovin lovin lovin. its been like, almost 2 weeks. ughhhhh. it's weird how he deals with my shit && i deal with his && neither of us know WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY the f.ck we do it. && no matter how much i say i wanna keep it plutonic && non-intimate, i know it won't ever be that way again && that's fiiiiine with me cuz neither of us have had any reason to complain when it comes to that. laaaa la la la laaaaahhhh.... 

:-D

when i go back && read my blogs, i realize i proly look suuuuuper bi-polar to people who i don't really talk to in person. but oh well. u can't really understand me thru my blogs... they're usually annoyingly random.... && the most important person knows i don't include all the special stuff... like meaningful, cute junk && whatnot... i keep those for me && my personal records... i think writing stuff like that down kinda kills those things.

Kahhhhhhh

aw man i needa get my car! sheeesh my friggin ex friend marcus keeps inviting me to all these sdsu parties && sheeeit && i can't even goooo cuz this stoopid program. shucks. passed on a pool party today... && a session the other day. kahhhhh.... i miss mah honda

Daaaaamn

so the facebook is gone... sheeeeesh i didn't think he'd actually do it... but fasho.

first 3 college grades SUCKED... 2 C's && a fail... woopsie daisies. i guess i gotta actually try to study.

uhmm uhm uhmmm i want some lovin. like, soon. or imma burst. i come back to LA on saturday. && then leave again on sunday :-\

i'm still not really feeling too well. my belly hurts... && i should be workin right now, but i don't feeeeel like it.

8:34 came && left... i couldn't even see the moon from my room... :-[

We don't say goodnight anymore.

k so imma act like i don't know who's reading this.

i have a strong dislike for someone i still have feelings for. i hate that shit. like, i don't even wanna talk to him ever again. some people are liars, some are dickheads, some are bitches, some are all 3 and so much more.

at this point  i just wanna hurry up && get over this lying asshole. && by the way things are goin, it's not gonna take too long. fuck like, the way things have gone, i've always been either sad, disappointed or hurt or a combination of the 3. but i'm mad. && in disbelief. fuck everything we had planned. fuck kiggin it when i come back, fuck you tryna hit me up like nothing's happened, fuck the over sensitive chubby bitch, fuck your lies, fuck your defensiveness, fuck you being 'too nice' cuz that's a fucken lie too. && more importantly, fuck you.

i really tried to put aside my trust issues && confide in you completely but my efforts have just been looked over. sooooo fuck you. i hope you get fired && have no one else to spend ur time with but her. i hope you sit && think about this situation that coulda been avoided tonight && it keeps you from sleeping. i hope you feel like shit. && i hope you're feeling at least a fraction of what i've felt the last months, cuz i honestly don't think you'd be able to handle it. i avoided doing anything that would hurt you && you say you tried to do the same, but that's bullshit. so. find someone who likes liars, and who is stupid enough to trust you after discovering countless lies told by you. its definitely not gonna be me anymore.

erase the facebook && blog if you'd like cuz i think i'd be happier not talkin to you or seeing u ever again. && your ex bitch is a stupid ass, spineless, defenseless loser. like, really... for you to even come at me this morning like that makes me sooooo mad. so fuck you. fuck you both. fuck your life. 

lmfaoooo

attanigga ur a fucken mess. uhm besides the typos in every other word... ur tight cuh... i didn't realize ur an avid reader as well. funny stuff. i guess we both kinda go hard in our own ways... lmao wth 'ur mama mispelled grammar sluuut' lmfaooo wth type of shit... damn we get bored so easily... what happened to our vow to not talk to weird strangers online? hm?!

lol ionno what made her think she had the ability to make me mad recently... but i guess he lied to her again lmao.... silly gullible girl... this shit is honestly funny.

&& iiiiiiiii was the one obsessed with him last year?! i guess she didn't realize everytime we talked, he was the one hittin me up first... got AIM logs to prove it... only time i hit him up first was that phone conversation she overheard... (the night of the accidental anal i told you about...) so some things may have been clarified, but not everything, evidently. obsessed. lmao that's funny. there was something about you that wasn't cuttin it... && something about me that was... && that caused him to lie to you repeatedly... && it's evident that he's still doing that now. oh geez. 

til next time i have nothing to do... :) adios.

Attanigga, We Gotta Burn Our Ray Bans. Eww.

my suitemates/roomates are tiiiiiight

lol well for the most-part... i got someone to do drugs with me... julieanne... we're hooked on caffeine now (starbucks double shot espressos, chugged right b4 a party in the pic). && frat parties... :)

also.... i've decided to take action towards my other situation. everything's cool now. && i'm actually happy again.

so wait, last month or so i apologized to someone who was obviously too immature to fully accept it, && is still being obnoxious && annoying. i guess people with loooooots of time on their hands have way too many opportunities to be negative. lol i don't know your parents, so i wasn't callin em failures. just sayin u kinda fail at life. i'd trust my daughter 100% too if i knew she had no real social life && if i knew i had nothing to worry about... but that's boring.

oh aaaaand my sex life, is something i've mentioned like once or twice in the many fun, entertaining internet interactions that we've had. who knows why that's what you chose to remember... weeeird...

so. i don't retract my apology, but i don't like you... probably cuz you didn't like me first... buuuuuuuut i know someone who did when you didn't...! :)

silly avoidable drama... it's fun. ps, please don't bother feeling sorry for me... like, re-focus that energy into finding a new hairstyle or something... a cool weave would proly fit your bone structure... && 17 views.... we all know who's NOT reading it.... your friends.... cuz then it'd only be at like 2...

HIgh Rant

maybe my problem is i delve too deeply into things...

maybe it's that i'm never given the right amount of information... either too much or too little... most cases the latter applies...

maybe the information i'm given is lies...

wouldn't be the first time, so at this point nothing will surprise me, but it seems everything still hurts me.

it feels like even when i'm happy, i can't really be 100% happy because being hurt takes away a portion of my ability to be happy. i've been told i'm sensitive by a few assholes, but i honestly just value my friendships and relationships in general. that's why i only let a few people into my life and the things i deal with daily. not saying i have a bunch of superficial relationships, just hold the ones i've come to cherish close to my heart. when they become the source of my hurt, all kinds of emotions that i'm not used to experiencing start floating around and arising at the most inconvenient times... kinda like this one...

the one thing that makes my situation way worse is the fact that i can sense my feelings and opinions are no longer valued... whether that notion applies to all instances, including this current one, when a rapport is formed and trust is manipulated, things will never be the same.

i'm not sayin i'm completely, hopelessly damaged, but i feel my biggest fear has already manifested itself, only a week after my departure. my fear that the most perfect experiences && moments of my life have come and gone, as opposed to remaining the same or building. i tried to prepare myself for the worst, but i couldn't fathom that it might actually happen, so i wasn't very successful.

basically, i won't bother talking to someone who i feel doesn't even value my earnest words when i'm trying to express myself. maybe two people blog about him for a reason. i don't know why, but i'm sure he does... he knows exactly what to tell each of us... how to juggle phone calls, texts, aims, all that good stuff... i'm not sure how much longer he'll be relevant for me though so this may be one of the last... granted, we're not together anymore, but we both know that doesn't mean we're completely through with each other...

i don't know why i accepted his apologies...

i didn't wanna make him choose, but then i realized i was capable of making my own decisions && i think i've made a new one. i deserve a lottttttttttt better for all that i've gone through at his hand. damn... it's a lot worse when it's expressed fully.

i'm nowhere near where i want to be as far as being who i was back in january. i was happy then... or maybe i didn't realize i was sad til he came and made me my happiest... i don't know...

"We Talk About Smart Shit, Like Politics"

omgggggg i've been sittin here in study hall since 2:30 && can't leave til 7!

like, no hoe-o, but im acceptin fb applications again... goin months without sexxin is not gonna cut it for me...

They Say 'Hella" Here

lol aww man. ionno why that's funny to me.

[ATTANIGGA SIEDAH NIGGALIP DILLARD--- I MISS YOUUUUU (shh don't question me)]

anyways... stuff is cooler out here now... i met some black people :-D

aww man i didn't think that'd be enough to persuade me to stay, but it suuuure did. plus. imma have me a guaranteed roommate when i get my own apartment ;-D

&& pick things up where they left off. ah cha chahh lol i have so much to look forward to at the moment. 

fuck fat girls... or girls who used to be fat... lol they're too sensitive. shit. they're funny though... && uber entertaining to physically fit people... && pretty people... but sad at the same time... cuz it's like... no matter how cute ur face is... ur body's a messssssssss...  a hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhot mess. a drooooooopy hhhhhhhhhhhot mess. yea that's the one

imma change my major from cognitive psychology to sociology... lmao i like people... :-D

aww shit. lol i'm done now.

Psh, i GOT this...

k so i got a new plan... 

imma stop goin to school && become a windsor hills bum :)

nahh but that does sound appealing. UCSD is cool as hell but it's lacking in niggers. only 1% && that's spread out among 6 colleges aaaand also spread out btwn ages 17 and 21... freshmen thru seniors which proly means there's about 50 black ppl here, 3/4 are upperclassmen who don't live on campus, and are busy tryin to undermine the stereotype that follows blacks at respectable universities... aaaand the other 1/4.... well that's like 18 && a half people... && those are my options... i'm proly the only black LA girl out here... at least the only one who accepts my blackness if there is another one lurking around here...

so i'm thinking i'll be happier in LA, my hoooood :-D i wanna get a job && go to a local school && then transfer to UCLA or Pepperdine cuz i'll already have earned 8 units && all my GE's out here... sounds like a reliable plan, but at the same time i don't wanna fall into old habits if i come home because i know i won't make it anywhere. i'm glad i came out here because it honestly opened my mind, which has been closed for the past several months... basically.... i'll have to rearrange my priorities && make sure there won't be anything distracting me during times when i need to focus... still debating, but i'll figure it out soon... i was honestly surprised as hellll to see that my mom supported my decision... pleasantly surprised... && this one guy didn't... but that doesn't really deter me or matter cuz when it comes down to it, it'll be my motivation && my will that's going to keep me focused && make me successful... eff all the others :-D

ouuuu sidenote...

i've concluded that allowing someone to be your entire everything is the absolute worst thing a person can do... because if you lose them, you lose everything... you'll have nothing to fall back on, no one to talk to, no motivation && ultimately, no life. separation is good sometimes even when things seem to be going perfectly... setting aside time to think is essential && vital to your emotion health && in preventing complete blindness. no one's blinded me or anything like that, i was just reflecting on my current situation && thinking about how much worse it could have been. but i'm honestly content now && glad that the relationships i share with people are just as valuable to them as they are to me.

i wanna chill, cuh...! 

:-]

"i'd hate to walk away from you as if this never existed...

cuz when we kissed, the moment after... i looked at you different"

-halfcrazy, musiq

yeaaaaahhh nigguhh thats a sign... 

The Minute I Leave...

lol i knew it aaaaand predicted it about a month ago.

aaaanywho even tho the first day was suuuuper hard && sad, i'm cool now && am actually enjoyin life here.

still miss this one guy but that's like... yea... a duh type deal 

me && a couple suite-mates met up with these other guys && went cruisin around San Diego for a bit lol && we ended up buyin like $50 worth of snacks && drinks each... it was needed... the food here is grosssss

classes start tomorrow && i'm super nervous... turns out there was a reading assignment before this program even started && i had nooo idea... woops

i feel empty. honestly like there's nothing left inside of me right now

but for some reason i'm still able to feel emotion.

&& it's bad... && I wish I knew what to do about this but I don't... so i'm stuck

Proof That I'm Easily Amused

no matter how many times i do this... i always end up in goober-ish laughter