Hi There :-]

So I've had a lottttt of time to think about things since I left to ucsd a few weeks ago && I know I have a much better understanding of who I am now as opposed to when I left. I'm not saying I changed, I just know why I do things now.

I realized that holding animosity toward someone who clearly states they don't care about u is as pointless as pointless gets. 

I still find myself trying to determine how to go about my day... Deciding if I have the ability to talk to him without allowing my emotions to speak for me. && then when I think, it always comes back to the facts of the situation... && how despite my warnings, someone who claimed to share a mutual love with me, disrespected me, fully knowing where that'd put us when I returned to LA... despite him expressing regret for what he did with her that night, I know at this point I can't even try to look past his actions... So I stopped trying.

Buuuuuut I can understand some things. I know firsthand what its like to have two people be in love with me at the same time, but I don't know what its like to be in love with two people simultaneously. I realize now that its in my nature to have a clear mind && to be able to decipher situations based on logic. But when it came to this situation, with this specific person, I seemed to get lost in myself && lost in my emotions

I can say that I'm able to forgive him, because I do... && I can honestly say I don't resent or dislike her because I'm not sure if I'd act any differently in her situation. we have both been completely disrespected in basically the exact same way, except she played the role I played when I first started to hang out with him. Someone who intruded on something special. I think I may have gotten what I deserve, which is another reason I feel I wanna just move on with this whole dilemma. 

I passed western && 108th yesterday && on impulse almost made that left turn. I felt really angry because I knew that if he hadn't have done what he did, I coulda been making that turn happily like I'd always done. But the decision was made for me that night so I just kept driving til I got to my original destination.

I'm not mad anymore because I know that anger stems from pain and hurt. I can't say that I'm sad anymore, but I'm in more of a reflective state. 19 more days in LA. Everyone's telling me to stay me && not let anything or anyone lower the standards I've set for myself && I'm pretty sure I won't. What helps is knowing that he said he never cared about me. Either that's the truth, or the biggest lie he's ever told. Either way I can't change the things that've been done && I won't try to push anything that's not there. All I can really do is accept what's been done && not put myself in anymore situations that have good chances of negative outcomes. 

I'm still in love with him, even though he said && proved he never cared about me.

But I also owe it to myself to hurry up && let this ride out, which I will. So even tho I'm sure this doesn't mean we'll start talking again or start sorting things out, or even be able to tell if things are worth it, I'm back home && I'm still adjusting to life without someone there to share my thoughts, likes, dislikes, and laughs with everyday, and at the same time I'm keeping the relationships I have with my other loved ones as close as I can :)
i chose to make this public again... just to show that i'm open for change && growth i guess, no real reason... i already know who my readers are