maybe it's that i'm never given the right amount of information... either too much or too little... most cases the latter applies...
maybe the information i'm given is lies...
wouldn't be the first time, so at this point nothing will surprise me, but it seems everything still hurts me.
it feels like even when i'm happy, i can't really be 100% happy because being hurt takes away a portion of my ability to be happy. i've been told i'm sensitive by a few assholes, but i honestly just value my friendships and relationships in general. that's why i only let a few people into my life and the things i deal with daily. not saying i have a bunch of superficial relationships, just hold the ones i've come to cherish close to my heart. when they become the source of my hurt, all kinds of emotions that i'm not used to experiencing start floating around and arising at the most inconvenient times... kinda like this one...
the one thing that makes my situation way worse is the fact that i can sense my feelings and opinions are no longer valued... whether that notion applies to all instances, including this current one, when a rapport is formed and trust is manipulated, things will never be the same.
i'm not sayin i'm completely, hopelessly damaged, but i feel my biggest fear has already manifested itself, only a week after my departure. my fear that the most perfect experiences && moments of my life have come and gone, as opposed to remaining the same or building. i tried to prepare myself for the worst, but i couldn't fathom that it might actually happen, so i wasn't very successful.
basically, i won't bother talking to someone who i feel doesn't even value my earnest words when i'm trying to express myself. maybe two people blog about him for a reason. i don't know why, but i'm sure he does... he knows exactly what to tell each of us... how to juggle phone calls, texts, aims, all that good stuff... i'm not sure how much longer he'll be relevant for me though so this may be one of the last... granted, we're not together anymore, but we both know that doesn't mean we're completely through with each other...
i don't know why i accepted his apologies...
i didn't wanna make him choose, but then i realized i was capable of making my own decisions && i think i've made a new one. i deserve a lottttttttttt better for all that i've gone through at his hand. damn... it's a lot worse when it's expressed fully.
i'm nowhere near where i want to be as far as being who i was back in january. i was happy then... or maybe i didn't realize i was sad til he came and made me my happiest... i don't know...
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